


my heart is nuclear, love is all that I fear

by Maharetchan



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Consensual Infidelity, F/M, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Threesome - F/M/M, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 16:54:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11971620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maharetchan/pseuds/Maharetchan
Summary: love is complicated; until it becomes simple.





	my heart is nuclear, love is all that I fear

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea what this is and i am very sorry.  
> you can come insult me @kimyraikkonen on tumblr.

Hanna knows exactly where Sebastian is the second she goes into his hotel room and realizes he's not there. The luggage is still intact, the bed unused and his phone abandoned on the desk, all her missed calls screaming back at her from the screen.

 

For a moment, she considers slipping under the covers, turning off the light, and wait for him to return like she usually does. And it's tempting, to let herself being overcome once again by routine and pretenses: pretending not to know it's still better sometimes than to face the truth.

 

For years, it was the only option she could think of.

 

And yet, this time, something changes inside her: Hanna wants to see, she wants to know. So she goes to look for him instead.

 

There's almost pity in Riccardo's eyes when she goes to him to ask where Seb might be: pity and embarrassment. He knows, she realizes, probably everybody at Ferrari knows, and that's why they all look at her with that pathetic expression of disappointment that speaks volumes of their opinion of her.

 

Poor oblivious, abandoned, betrayed Hanna, who has no idea her boyfriend is screwing his teammate behind her back while she's too busy hiding away and taking care of his daughters: that's what they think.

 

Hanna decides it's not on her to prove them wrong, that she actually doesn't give a shit about it.

 

“Have you checked the paddock or the bar? He might be there, having a drink with the boys.”

 

“He's not there.”

 

That's when Ricky's pauses, biting his lips, considering the options he has: Hanna waits in silence for the inevitable to come, either another lie or a sudden and unexpected truth. She's not sure which one she should hope to receive, and stands there motionless, with no expression on her face.

 

“He might be with Kimi, in his room. You should go ask him.”

 

Hanna knocks on the door before she can think it over and stop herself, the first time barely hitting the wood with her knuckles, then knocking harder, until the echo of the sound in the empty corridor startles her and she stops, staring at the closed door and almost hoping it'll stay shut and no one will open it.

 

She hears movement inside the room, somebody laughing and then bare feet approaching.

 

Sebastian is shirtless and smiling when he opens the door: there's a layer of sweat on his skin, and he has that look in his eyes, that mesmerized and sated expression he brings with him every time Kimi's around.

 

But the smile freezing on his lips when he looks at her, his hand gripping the handle so tightly his knuckles go white

 

Suddenly, Hanna has no idea what she's doing there anymore, looking at Sebastian while another man is waiting for him inside the dark room: she wanted to see, to know, to be able to understand why this feeling they share is so addictive for both of them, why they just can't stop falling into each other.

 

But it's too much now, it's not something she was prepared to experience it in such a raw and unfiltered way: she didn't expect it to his her as much as it's doing now, and she has to look away to collect herself and her thoughts, to put a shield between herself and the sight in front of her.

 

“I went to your room: you weren't there so I came looking for you.”

 

Sebastian nods, running a hand through his hair, behind his neck, in that fidgety way that shows how nervous he is: Hanna has seen it all, she knows him inside out and yet this, the explanation behind this eludes her. Maybe it's just not meant for her to understand or see: but the thought of being so thoroughly excluded from a part of Seb's life sinks her heart, it leaves her with the terrible feeling of not really knowing him at all.

 

“I can go back there with you if you want. Just... give me a minute?”

 

Hanna shakes her head: it surprises her how calm she is now that she has seen what she came to see: there's something so simple about it that it takes away the anger and leaves behind a dull emptiness that she never felt before, one that leaves her so tired, but strangely in control of herself.

 

You should scream, you should make a scene, let everyone know: maybe then he'd finally snap out of it and make a choice.

 

But she doesn't; it wouldn't be fair to either of them. Maybe if she had come here before, to see the look in Sebastian's eyes and listen to the heaviness in his voice, she would've spared herself a lot of pain.

 

“It doesn't matter now. I shouldn't even be here anyway...”

 

Hanna turns around before he can say anything else, starts walking through the corridor, but then a hand closes around her wrist and she stops: for some reason, she hadn't expected him to come after her.

 

“Hanna. Come inside. Please.”

 

Maybe it's the defeated and almost helpless look she sees in his eyes, or the knowledge that if she does turn around right now and walks away she might never be able to look at him ever again that changes her mind: she has no idea.

 

All she knows is that she's not ready to give him up just yet, because Hanna can see all the love Seb feels for her written on his face, passing like an electric current from his finger to her wrist and for some reason, it's enough.

 

She follows him inside, to the bed where Kimi is waiting for them in perfect silence, to the room that smells of sex and of them. 

 

Sebastian sits heavily next to Kimi, head in hands, with no idea of what to say, of how to make all of this right and simple again: it was never either of those things, but it worked, it kept him afloat when everything else was pushing him down. And now it's over, forever.

 

Hanna comes closer, looking at Kimi and asking herself how can he always appear so calm, why she's not disgusted while looking at him, and why the subtle smile he gives her somehow placates whatever was left of her rage.

 

She wraps her arms around Sebastian's neck, holding close, feeling his warm body against hers, his forehead pressed right under her breasts: his breathing is slow and quiet, and she catches the sight of Kimi staring at his back like his eyes are trying to piece through him to touch her as well. There is such a deep and complete intimacy in being in this room with them, sharing their most hidden secret with them and feeling part of it, like her place has always been there and it only took her too long to realize it.

 

“What do you love about him so much? What does he give you that I can't?”

 

Hanna looks straight at Kimi while she says that, but the other man's expression doesn't change: he doesn't avert his gaze or stop smiling and it almost makes her regret her words. Sebastian takes a deep breath against the thin fabric of her dress, as he places both his hands on her back.

 

“It's not that; I love you more than anything in my life. And I love him just as much; but in a different way. I need both of you.”

 

Sebastian cups her face, his fingers caressing her cheeks and her hair, and brings her closer, until she's almost sitting in his lap and his breath ghosts over her lips. Hanna wishes she could find it in her to slap him, to hate him, to resent that love she knows she'll have to share with Kimi forever, but the tenderness in his words and in his touches is so absolute, so honest that she believes every word he's saying. 

 

And so she kisses him, tasting his love and devotion on his lips, as Kimi comes closer to caress Sebastian's neck.

 

His hands feel different on her skin as he gently helps her to take off her clothes: there's heaviness in them, a rough edge that Kimi must know well, but that is completely new to her; she likes the way Sebastian pulls her on top of him, how he sucks on her breasts with the faintest hint of teeth. His fingers slide over his skin, making it prickle and shiver.

 

It surprises her that she can meet Kimi's gaze without feeling ashamed of being naked in front of another man: but Kimi's not just another man, he's the other half of Sebastian's heart, and even though she'll never share the same feelings and that sharp edge of pain hasn't disappeared completely yet, she loves him too in some way.

 

Kimi kisses Sebastian as she slowly rides him, keeps both of them together as they fall apart into each other's arms. It never felt like this before.

 

They're sharing something that remained buried for too long, something they hid and pretended never existed, fearing it would destroy them, but that now is bringing so much closer together that Hanna almost feels like it's too much, that she's going to lose herself in the intensity of his love for both of them.

 

Sebastian's beard scratches against the soft skin of her neck, as his nails dig into her back, not enough to bruise, but enough to make her feel anchored to him. Kimi caresses her cheek with the tip of his fingers, as he kisses Seb's shoulder and buries his face against his back.

 

They whisper how much they love each other and how much they love her against her skin, into her mouth, and she has the feeling of truly seeing both of them for the first time, falling in love with Sebastian all over again.

 

A long and prolonged madness took a hold of her, making her forget her anger, her shame, her pain: her body feels on fire and she grinds down on Sebastian's dick, keeping him inside of her as he sobs against the curve of her breast, and Kimi looks at them, licking away the sweat pooling on Sebastian's skin and holding on to her arm, to feel contact with both of them.

 

She'll have marks and scratches all over her skin tomorrow, will feel the pressure of those hands on his body for days to come, the memory of this pleasure alive and burning inside of her: Hanna feels alive, like new air is being breathed into her lungs and she can finally open her eyes again after a long, long sleep.

 

They hold Sebastian through his orgasm, keeping him still, kissing him as he falls back onto the bed, empty and sated, with that beautiful, vibrant smile on his face that made her fall in love with him all those years ago, and that makes her fall in love with both of them now.

 

She allows Kimi to kiss her once, his lips barely touching hers as Sebastian looks at both of them, eyes bright as they smile and wrap each other around him.


End file.
